[8:28am]
Had a bit of a blip on thursday night, I got really depressed and sad and filled with doom, and the worst part was it was while Mimi was with me. Of course she didn't mind and she loves me and is here for me, but it was still embarrassing in some way or another. Idk it was just really weird, my head was filled with a lot of dark thoughts, and yesterday morning I woke up in such a bad place that i just lay in bed and relapsed. I've been fighting with a bit of a self harm problem for about 3 years now, it's been good for the last 2 years, but every once in a while something comes over me.
If you're reading this and you're not me, I hope you know this is me being extremely vulnerable, as I haven't told anyone this yet. This is me saying I wish I could tell someone about this but I can't. So for now I'm writing in a tiny corner of the internet, secretly hoping someone will read this and send me a prayer. I might tell Mimi about what I felt yesterday in detail, as when she asked me I answered very vaguely, but it's literally her birthday tomorrow so I really don't wanna kill the mood by going "oh by the way I relapsed on friday!" What a buzzkill! And i'm literally fine today, I feel good and I feel like who I was at that time was a completely different person to me now.
It's pasta that does it. I've mentioned it once before in a different entry, but carbs fuck my head up and make me depressed and give me dark thoughts. Sounds crazy, call me a lunatic, i know, but I've noticed a pattern now, and I know you might find it hard to believe since stuff like bread and shit is such a daily part of people's lives, but i KNOW that this is the reason I feel like this sometimes. It's just a me thing. For the last year and a half I've been eating way less of that stuff and in general doing a lot better mentally, but every time I relapse into this dark state I notice it's literally because I've eaten the wrong kind of food, carbs, which turn into sugar ultimately - it's like a sick twisted allergic reaction. Pasta especially effects me now that I barely have it. I can have a pizza or a sandwich or a sausage roll every once in a while and be relatively fine, but a bowl of pasta genuinely fucks me up so bad that I have these incredibly dark thoughts fil my brain, although I now know it's not really me who thinks those kinds of thoughts, it's some evil depressed and unnatural version of me. The only I can describe it is an overarching sense of doom. I know that sounds all medieval and comical, "doom", but it's the best word to describe it...
Frankly I can't be arsed to put up with this shit, but if I'm at someone's house and pasta's for dinner, I can't argue with that. And since I've had it before I can't say I don't like pasta. And I can't say I'm just on a diet because 1. I'm in very good shape so people naturally object the idea of me on a diet since there's nothing outwardly wrong with me, and 2. It still means the host would have to make something else especially for me, and I don't want to have special treatment or cause extra stress. So it's a train wreck really and for the time being I'll just have to power my way through this shit. Or I could be honest and say "I'm sorry, but when I eat food like that it makes me feel very lonely and sad, and I don't want to feel like that." But who's gonna take that seriously?
[edit: 22/03/2026 3:24pm]
I'd also like to just quickly note that this isn't some sort of weird selective eating disorder if that's what you're thinking. It's just a simple chemical imbalance in my brain; it's concentraded carbohydrates being broken down into glucose which cause a spike in my insulin levels which in turn seems to create some sort of subtle inflamation in my brain that manifests itself as dark thoughts and the whole rest of it. Okay, maybe you could classify it as a disorder because it certainly throws my life out of order, but it's all very clearly cause/effect. I'm grateful I'm aware of that now more than ever.
Anyway, I apologise for the long and highly vulnerable rant. I never say any of this to anyone apart from maybe my parents on rare occasion, but I just felt like if you're here reading this journal, you must be interested in my life, so you should know the full story and I value the truth and so should you.
Yesterday I obviously didn't go into college because I was feeling shit and college makes me even more depressed, so I stayed at home and worked on a little lyric zine for an album I recently released, Nowhere Like Always by a project of mine called Glinter. I'm thinking of selling these as part of a merch drop I'm doing with a bunch of stuff relating to the album! Working on it definitely took my mind off things, as well as going on a long walk with my dad.
So yeah, as of right now, being 100% honest, I am completely fine now. I feel good. Not great, but stable. Like I said, all the stuff that happened on the evening of the 19th and the morning of the 20th was a blip, and I'm going to take great care in the future over what goes into my body to try and avoid this in the future. Wish me luck, and if you know me, don't ask me about all this or judge me, just give me a hug or ignore it entirely.