[10:48am]
Been thinking about when I'm going to move out of my parent's house. I think I want to this year, or at least early next year. I've not been thinking about it as much as I was thinking about it back in September, but it's come back into my mind.
The main reason is I just want to enter the next chapter of my life, I feel like I've outgrown where I am now and I feel a little held back. A sub reason to do with this is I just want to live somewhere without my parents. I love them to bits, but I really need to get away from them, at least for a while. I don't even see them that often now, I'm either out with friends or when I am in the house I'm always in my room or my studio, mainly coming down just to eat. I already feel like I'm no longer living with them but more lodging with them.
There's often an air of tension when I'm around them, and that's been especially present since the late summer. I think my dad's depressed, because he's not been in work since August last year, and he spends so much time listening to politics podcasts that all preach doom and famine. He gets annoyed at my mum cos my mum's the person who put herself and me onto this carb-free diet, and it's done us both really well mentally and physically, but he refuses to take it seriously a lot of the time. Or at least, he thinks it's all fine for us but for him it's a different story, when really we're all the same species. My mum's really passionate about that stuff, but when she expresses it he sees it as bragging about health or whatever and he just has a go at her, which is really unfair, and she's stopped expressing her passions as much now because of it.
Before she learnt loads about nutrition she was really into interior design as we were renovating a bit of the house, and my dad often got pissed off at her passion for that too. He would argue with her about the she wanted to paint a wall, and SHE would be the one painting, not him, not paying for a decorator, but she was passionate about painting and that upset him. Perhaps he didn't like the change, or he didn't agree with the decision, but whenever she would ask for his input, he would often just say I don't mind either way anyway.
My dad's a great guy and I love him and he's done a lot of amazing things and been through some incredibly tough circumstances, but I still feel the need to get away from him and the tension he outputs. I know it sounds horrible, but it's pretty logical that if someone's regularly self-depricating, struggling to find passion in every day life, it just makes me want to get away. Because I don't really know what to do to help, and there's probably nothing, it's all on him.
The tension between my mum and dad has been one of the most negative forces in my life recently, and moving out is the only way I can realistically do something about it. It feels selfish, so it makes me feel bad, but I know I'd feel bad anyway if I stayed any longer. I'm just worried for my mum if I go because then she won't have anyone left to share her passions with.